Fill the Love Tank and Get Back to the Fun

Tony is joined by Nic Raines, a marriage and family therapist, who co-leads a marriage ministry at Restoration Place and is a marriage coach for a statewide organization. Nic is married and has two children. 

Tony and Nic continue to explore the topic of how to improve the relationship with your spouse. This is the final episode of a three episode series on the topic. The tools that Nic shares on this episode are easy to practice and can net big changes in your relationship.

Nic has a secular live dating show "Singles Mingle" on his Facebook page.  (https://www.facebook.com/nicholas.raines.10)

You can take the DISC Personality Test online here: https://www.123test.com/disc-personality-test/

You can learn your love language for you and your spouse by taking this online test: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

You can reach out to Nic directly via email at rainesn01@gmail.com.

Restoration Place Tallahassee


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Transcript

Podcast Intro: 0:02

Welcome to all the king's men, a ministry podcast of the Men's Ministry of restoration place Tallahassee, warning listeners to this podcast will hear authentic life changing stories from men who know Jesus and have experienced his work in their life. Be prepared to be impacted by their stories and relationship with Jesus. Here's your host, Pastor Tony Tolson.

Tony Tolson: 0:24

Good afternoon. Good day. Thank you for joining us today on all the king's men. I'm excited about you being here. And I'm glad you've chosen to take a few minutes today to learn something from the word and something from two brothers who love you. Nick Raines is an amazing guy who you get to know Nick, he's got a great sense of humor. But he's also seriously passionate about things around marriage around men connecting with men, women, having empowered lives. He's got a very strong wife, happy to say Eric is one of the praise leaders at our church at restoration place with a great voice and they've got a great family. So welcome, Nick.

Nic Raines: 1:09

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Tony. Thank you for having me, man. It's such a pleasure to be here. Definitely. Pleasure to be here.

Tony Tolson: 1:14

So Nick, tell me a little bit about yourself for guys who might not know you, because I think a lot of people in our church would know you, but the audience might not know you. So tell us a little bit about yourself.

Nic Raines: 1:25

Okay, yeah. So first of all, by trade, I'm a licensed clinical therapist, right. So I'm doing mental health counseling, but for RPT restoration place, me and my wife Lindsay mentioned, Tony mentioned, we actually own a marriage ministry, which is called Heart to Heart. Me and my wife, beautiful wife, Erica, she's also the praise and worship team. And so we serve on restoration place. As the marriage ministry, we have two beautiful kids Caden and Khalis game, we just excited to be here. We're excited about marriages. And also I also have a background and helping people with dating as well. So I like to cover the whole gamut of when you're dating, and also when you actually trying to get married. So I'm just a relationship person that's passionate about people having healthy relationships. And I remember you having some ministry about helping people get to dating. Yes, yes, yes, I actually do have a show. We have a dating show. We do like every two weeks. And it's called singles mingle. And we talked about helping people. That's not where you at, you want to date, and we want to help you date. And then also if you've got badges to go with to help you get to that point of getting married.

Tony Tolson: 2:29

Okay, so tell me about the show. Is it a podcast? What is it?

Nic Raines: 2:32

So as the show, it's kind of like a podcast on Roku TV, and it's also on Facebook, as well. And so it's a live show that we do every other week. We have different guests on and we have our audience here. broad audience also we've been doing for about four years. And so yes, it's a great show that we love to do. It's a fun show. So I think dating is a passion of mine. But as far as like trade marriages, like kind of the work that I do, I love it. I love it.

Tony Tolson: 2:56

So we'll link that in our show notes so that people can connect with you on that, right. Yeah, that's, that's awesome. And one of the things that you do on the side, I mean, you've got multiple kinds of things going on in your life as far as streams of income. Nick is an amazing example of somebody who understands the value of multiple streams of income absolutely diversifying. Right, one thing falls down. You got three more in the back pocket, right? Yes, sir. Yes, yeah, that means you're busy. Yes. But you're not too busy to also do a little bit more. And that's one thing that's really impressive to me, as I've watched you guys, just over the last several years, get involved with live a life which is, you know, even more than what you do at the church. So at restoration place, I know Erica is there probably every Thursday night. She's involved probably throughout the week on other things, I don't know what's going on in that area of the ministry. I just am a recipient, I get to sit and worship with everyone else in our church. But I will tell you that I've seen you guys step up not just going through a live the life event, you can tell us what that means. But also, like you said, becoming a marriage coach, and that's a talk to us about what live the life is and what it offers.

Nic Raines: 4:07

So live the life is the organization that was actually proud to say was started in Tallahassee, right? I think Richard [Albertson] was the founder lived the life actually started with contracts with the military. So military, of course, has one of the highest divorce rates because of the deployment and things of that nature. So most of our I say clients are military base. And so we have conferences all over Florida. And it's branching out to different other states as well. And we do like a whole weekend for military couples, but it's also branching out to also coaches because we know coaches also are not home as much. And then sometimes that marriage and relationship suffers. So live the life comes in. And as a marriage coach, we come in and we help people go through the skills, a structured conversation, sometimes arguments right and we're there as coaches to kind of help people kind of stay within their circle and not get out of bounds, so we can make sure the message is not lost within the emotions.

Tony Tolson: 5:01

So managing conflict. Yes, definitely. Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's really awesome. When I think about live the life and what they've done in Tallahassee, I remember seeing a statistic that they put out about the number of divorces decreasing in the state of Florida. Do you know that number?

Nic Raines: 5:18

I do not know that number. But it's a great number. I forget what it is.

Tony Tolson: 5:21

It was substantial. It was. And they can tie that directly to some of the efforts of live the life and live the life doesn't just have offices in Tallahassee. They have offices throughout the state, from what I recall, there's local directors actually focusing on different parts of the state. And although there's some Christian values and emphasis in there, it's not overtly Christian in the sense that only Christians could be comfortable there. All right, right. Because these skills are human skills. They're not just Bible verses. Right, right. It takes a little bit of practice and work, you got to learn to sometimes listen more than you talk all those other skills, right? Right.

Unknown: 5:59

Now you absolutely right? The HMI grant we were talking about earlier is actually we don't even really mention the name God. But our principles really come from the Bible, right? Yes.

Tony Tolson: 6:10

So when who created us might have had a clue? Exactly. Yeah. When I think about the ministry that you've had at restoration, tell us what your vision is for people that come into that ministry. What's your vision?

Unknown: 6:24

So our vision, Erica, and our vision is just to have healthy fun marriages, right? Because we always say why we say dating good should be fun when I think marriage should be fun as well. I feel like we should have more fun than the daters. I just feel that right? That should be a goal of ours, right? If I see someone is dating, I feel like the marriage, people should be having more, we should have more liberty, we should have more fun. We want people to come to restoration place if you join the ministry, heart to heart, and just have a good time with your spouse. But also we learned skills, skills, you can apply to manage conflict, which everybody's dealing with, right, one of the main things people talk about is the communication issue. But communication goes a lot deeper, it could be communication issues with finances could be communication issues with sex, could be communicating issues with a lot of different things. A lot of people just say communication, but I'm gonna hold on communication with what the lack communication, is it more too much communication, how frequent communication. So a lot of times people get that misconstrued. It's not just communication.

Tony Tolson: 7:24

Communication is key. Right. And and I think it's important to know that what we say sometimes is not what the other person hears. We're listening through the filters that we all have, right, that come through the experiences of our life. We've talked about that on previous episodes. And I think it's just really important to understand that there are tools that can make sure your marriage remains fun. I think a good rule of thumb, if we were to give a rule, give an application right now, if you're not having fun in marriage, you're not doing it right. Absolutely. And somebody's out there going do it, then you're not married to my wife, you're not married to my husband. No, I'm not. But if you set an expectation that you are going to enjoy more of your marriage than hate, there are parts of life that aren't fun. April 15 is coming up, or whatever day they've set for this year. And it's a day I'm going to have to write a check. Most likely, the CPA has not gotten back to me yet. And the longer he doesn't get back to me, the happier I am, because I know he's gonna get deliver a number. So it's kind of like when I go, you know, kids love to go to the mailbox, because something good might be in the mailbox. Adults don't do that. There's no checks coming in the mail for most of us, right? No, I will tell you that there needs to be an expectation in everyone's marriage, that it should be fun. And you should be able to look at your spouse and say, I am not having fun today. Or I am not having fun right now. Right? And you that should be a trigger to sit down and have a real conversation. Right? Right. And if you can do that, you can really talk through some stuff, right? It doesn't mean that everything in your marriage is all sunshine and roses. And everything you do is fun, because it's not, such as doing dishes and mowing the grass. Neither are highly enjoyable, but must be done. I will tell you that as a man who's married to a woman who is strong willed, driven, has her own career. We've had seven children. We have fun every day. There are moments of some days that are not fun, right? But at the end of the day, it's we've can say it's been a good day. Because the expectation is is we're going to bring joy to each other. Not I'm going to get joy from her. I'm bringing joy to her. She's bringing joy to me. So talk to us about some, just some skills that you talk about and you teach about how to ensure that you bring joy to your spouse. I'm sure you've got some examples of that.

Nic Raines: 9:51

Yeah, I think that people really have to first because when you're married, it's so easy to take each other for granted. And that's what you see, right? Because marriage is supposed to be forever and things of that nature. But I think sometimes we go in there with that mindset, you're not leaving no matter what I do. And so sometimes I think we take each other for granted. And so I think it's very, very good to always acknowledge and appreciate your spouse, kind of every chance you get. Because I think that's just very important to know that I'm not taking you for granted, I still do appreciate you, I still love you. So when you get those opportunities, I think it's always good to do that. And it's always good to do that as well, because you're gonna have some conflict, like, Tony, you said, right. So you want to make sure that I'm actually doing a lot of appreciation, and doing a lot acknowledgement, because I gotta make sure I put those love deposits in the bank. If you have enough love deposits in the bank, when you do have an argument or disagreement or argument, a lot of times does not leave with a lot of discontent, a lot of light on gratefulness and things of that nature, because I got enough love deposit I've been making over the years, right over the months over the weeks. So that that doesn't derail us whenever we have an argument or conflict.

Tony Tolson: 11:00

Yeah, First Peter says it well, above all, keep loving one another earnestly. Since love covers a multitude of sentences. And as a man, I can tell you, there's a multitude of sins that I need covering with my wife, right? There's things that I'm going to say I'm going to be Curt, sometimes a little bit cross that. I always say, the the one thing that takes a perfectly good human and messes them up is testosterone. It makes us say the stupidest things, do the stupid things and react as stupid as ways right? That aggressive side of a man that's not gentle as a woman, sometimes with desire, we just bark. Yeah, we don't even growl sometimes we just go right to barking, right. And women don't appreciate that. We need to have some stuff in our love bank. So that's important. So that skill is really important to understand that. And in John chapter 13, Jesus says, A new command I give to you that you love one another, just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples if you have loved one for another. And that's not speaking directly to marriage. But it does apply in marriage. One of the things I do see in Christian marriages, they don't look very different from non Christian marriage is talk to me about what is it that we are missing in the church? Do you think not our church, generally speaking, but the church universal? What are we missing in helping couples connect their love to the eternal love that God has for them and offer the grace that God offers them for their spouse? What are we missing?

Nic Raines: 12:35

That's a good, that's a great question. And me and my wife, Erica, we talked about that. I think a lot of times, we're not transparent enough. Because in the church is like, it's almost that that shame and that guilt. And it's almost like because we are Christians, we feel like we can't make mistakes. Or some people think that we should live a perfect life. And I think whenever you do not become transparent, and be open and candid about what you're really dealing with, I think that's what we mentioned, Pastor Tony, a lot of times, and so we'd have to be open, right? But we have to have these safe spaces where we open to discuss the real issues is going into marriage. Right. And I think sometimes people feel like they cannot be real and really share what's going on at restoration place at heart to heart. That's what we talk about being candid, being real, being open and discussing things is really, really bothering you. Sometimes we'll take up things. It's anonymous things that people may be dealing with, you don't have to put your name on it. But what are some things we need to discuss? What are you dealing with right now? What could ruin your marriage? We don't actually address that tonight. And that's what we try to do. And so I think people just have to be more open and candid, but have to have a safe space to do it and talk about what's the real issues. What am I dealing with right now that we almost say we call it quits the other night?

Tony Tolson: 13:41

Yeah. Wow, that's really good. I think a lot about what you're saying right now. It's so very important to be candid and honest. Would you not say it's that this statement I'm going to make is true. Even if you don't deal with the issue. You're still dealing with the fallout from that issue? Yes, absolutely. So if you're having something you're not dealing with, you're still going to be reacting irritably you're still going to be acting defensively, you're still going to have that shame or guilt that is clouding your judgment and ability to live in the moment. Guilt and shame is not about today. It's about yesterday, right? So it's holding you to yesterday or your past. So you cannot live in joy and victory today. And tomorrow. I think when we are addressing and working with our couples in our marriage, folks, it's important that couples are authentic with each other that their marriage is not perfect, because there's two people in it right as long as there's one person and it's going to be imperfect, far more imperfect with to that transparency. I can tell you the longer I married, the more transparent I am. The more joy and the less stress I have in my relationship. Exactly. It's all the secrets only have power because they're secret. Once they're out There's no more power in that.

Nic Raines: 15:01

Right? If we're not transparent, how do I know how to deal with it? Right? If I'm not sharing exactly what's bothering me, how can we fix it? And you're right, Pastor Tony, if we don't discuss it, then it doesn't like it's going away. Like you said, we really just act through it unconsciously, a lot of times, and we will say things, we will do things because we still have not discussed the real issue that's bothering us. So it comes out in behavior. Like you said, you didn't say it, but you behave differently towards me. Yeah. So that's why you have to be transparent about what's really, really bothering us in our marriage, right. And it's cliche, but I really do think you shouldn't be best friends. Me and my wife just recently had a conversation about I think we best friends like, yeah, because we have other people that we socialize with, we have friends, but we were like, You know what, you are my best friend. I like watching movies with you, I like going places with you, right? It's nobody else I would rather be with then you, right. So we really, really established that we are best friends. And I think that's important. So I feel like I should be transparent with my best friend, I need to be candid with my best friend, my best friend is always there to help me. So whenever also we get in conflict, and this person approaches you and about an issue, I think you need to first understand that this person is your best friend, and they want to love you, right? All they want to do is help you become better in that area. So you have to take it with grace and mercy that this person is actually coming to you to help not to hurt. I think sometimes we look at each other as and live the life. One thing they do I love is that they do this thing with the the personality types. That is very important. They kind of start with that in the beginning. Because a lot of times if you don't really know why you function in a way you function, you look at that person has been deficient. Right. And it's really not being deficient, they just operate differently than you they think differently than you. And so you have to first understand that. Okay, so when a conflict comes up, and we need to manage this, and we've talked about it, that's why you responded that way. Okay, now understand your behavior. That's also a big thing, too. We need to really understand, right?

Tony Tolson: 17:02

Yeah, I can totally agree with that. And we and we do the disc test, actually, in our new members, class got explored the church, because it's very much you got designed a certain way. Yes. So whether it's a secular test, or a Christian test, it's the same reveal, right, which is your personality, the things that you're passionate about. And we want people to, to, to serve in their passion area, right? I mean, things that you naturally would do, because you wake up every morning and say, I can't wait to do this. That's what she should be doing in the kingdom. Exactly. And the same thing is true in your relationship, you marry that person, because they had something that was attractive to you, which probably didn't at all look like you. It looked different than you. Yes, I've seen some marriages where people have married someone a lot like them, two, very controlling people got married, and they're so busy trying to control each other, that it becomes very challenging, right. And sometimes it can work. They literally had to sit down and pick out which areas they would each control, and then gave the other person the right to have control over that. Right. But that took years, years for that for that couple, but I will tell you that I have seen the more open and honest and like you said, my best friend Renee has become to me. I have learned that the worst times in our marriage is when I did not view her as my best friend and I treated her like I might would have treated my mother coming to me talking about something I didn't want to talk about. Right? I think we we are as men, if we were being honest, when we have conflict with our, with our wives, it really can be much more about the conflict we had with our mother. Right? And we have to let that go. We married a woman who's going to have female tendencies and sometimes will sound like our mother but she is not your mother. Right? Especially after she becomes a mother. She's gonna become more like your mother. Because when a mother is parenting 123 children and you come in and you make a mess. She's gonna keep parenting to get keep that mess in check. You just happen to be another child. She's got to keep keep up with that day. And she'll treat you that way not meaning to but she's got to keep her wits about her. And I think we have to be really careful Yes, with our relationships that we don't bring our past issues that we had with other people, whether that's our mothers, whether it's our fathers, whether it's our grandparents, friends, family, those things should not be brought to our marriage, but they are yes, they're the baggage we bring.

Nic Raines: 19:40

You may go for it. And we talked about this a lot in data and also in marriage. We talked about doing the work is unfair if someone has actually done the work before they got with you and you didn't do the work right? Because now they're gonna be taken upon your issue that you did not do right the work that you do not do before you got married and it's definitely unfettered them to do the work and you did not do the work. because now you're gonna have to deal with so many different things that you did not go through in your life experience that you did not have. And now they're like, man, it's almost like I am taking care of another child myself, like you just mentioned it before. Alright, one pastor say one time, and I had to agree with him. He said, And when there's a God, marriage, I believe, he said, You marry someone, God, let you marry someone that highlights your issues. And I believe that I believe that because I believe marriage is one of the biggest thing. I think we're involved in a lot of different things, Pastor Tony, but I will say the hardest thing I've ever done was marriage. Right? Because it, it requires me to grow in so many different areas, you know, saying because we educated we challenged it and things like that. So we can get by on some areas, right, but not marriage, marriage, it requires me to grow so many different areas. So I think sometimes our spouses highlight our issues, but not in a bad way. Not because they dislike us is because that's what the areas we need to grow in. And I think when it's a God, marriage, that's exactly what God does. He said, I need you to grow in these areas. In a way I'm gonna get you to grow in those areas. It's through your marriage. Yeah. I think that happens a lot. And I think we need to recognize that that this person is not berating you that's not coming at you. And they're not against you. It's actually a you need to grow in. If you'd be honest with yourself, as probably you need to grow. Who knows you better than the person you live with, right? Oh, yeah. So that's what I had to realize myself a lot of times.

Tony Tolson: 21:20

Yeah, I had to learn the hard way that when Renee would warn me that something was going to hit me on the backside, that she was probably right. And I didn't like to hear that because that meant I was wrong. But every time I ignored it, it hit me hard. The repercussions for those at hardheadedness was huge. And then she had the right to say I told you so. Right. And that also did not settle well. So I learned that when she goes, whoa, something, you need to pay attention to this, I began to understand God's Holy Spirit. If I believe and I do that my spouse is a believer, the Holy Spirit lives in her. And she's a Spirit filled believer, I have to believe that the words coming out of her mouth very well could be directly from him for me. Absolutely. And that does not make me less of a Christian or less of a man to heed to my wife when she has something that she's passionate about. I need to listen to her when she has strong feelings, not because I'm going to bend to her will. But because we've been to each other, and we recognize that God speaks through us sometimes to others. We would say that about other people, we need to say that about our spouse.

Nic Raines: 22:37

Right? Right. And a lot of times Pastor Tony, because it makes you uncomfortable. That doesn't mean they're wrong. Right? Yes, that's an area to grow. And a lot of times I have to sit back When Erica comes with me about something I was like, man, you know, that hurts, right? And it's not it's very uncomfortable. But I have to sit back sometimes, like, you know what I need to change in that area. And, and most of the time, she's the one pointing that out. Because I work so hard to be a great person. It's not a lot of people, other people that can tell me stuff like that, right? Because they don't they don't live with me enough. They don't round me enough. But my wife is around me 24/7 Whenever she says something to me, and she points out, and a lot of times it comes from God, just like you said exactly what my wife is a godly woman praise and worship, you know, things of that nature. So she has a relationship with God. So a lot of times I just sit back and like, you know what, sometimes confirmation just to be honest, it is something that God was already telling me and my wife just confirmed that I need to change.

Tony Tolson: 23:28

And that can be equally annoying to us men. Right? How does she know? Right? Yeah, I mean, and we have to learn to be humble. We chased hard, most of us after these women. And we won their hearts, we won their hands, right. And then we break their hearts by not allowing them to be who they are, to be our helpmate, to be our best friend to do all the things that they know that they are capable of doing. They have to push hard for us to hear them. Right. When we would have done anything up until the day of the marriage. Suddenly, we're like, okay, we can relax now. Right? And I think the problem with that is we stopped dating them. Yes. And we need to keep dating our wives. Yes. And we've talked about that in a previous episode. But I will tell you that when I when I see the ministry that you have at restoration place, I see that's one of your core principles. You need date nights, and we do some of that where we provide childcare and things like that for the church and, and I know you encourage it through your ministry. And I know it's encouraged probably at live the life and others because it's a healthy practice a date night is important. It's hard. As a as a family. With children. It's hard to say what the one night a week it doesn't matter what night you're going to take selfish time with you and your spouse, not do laundry, not watch movies, not cook food for the kid. None of they're just going to have to be second. And that's countered our culture, right because our culture says we worship our family. You Hmm, which really equates to we worship our children, right. And then marriages get to the end of the end of the child rearing. And they're empty nesters. And the couple has nothing left, because they lost that love for each other exactly years, years before. So the practices and the tools that you were talking about today are things that will protect your marriage. So at the end, your children have a home to come back to right when they're adults.

Nic Raines: 25:24

Right. Now, that's so powerful. Again, being a therapist, and you think a lot of people just know these type of things, right? And so they get in these arguments and get in this conflict. And I was like, You know what, because I'm listening to him talking about but he's saying he didn't sweep the floor, he didn't take out the trash. And she didn't do this, she didn't do that. And I'd be like, Well, I'm not saying I've been on a date. We haven't been on a date in a while. I'm like, okay, so I kind of see what's going on right now. It's really not about the trash. It's not about him, not mowing the lawn, and all these other things, you guys keep arguing about leaving the cabinet door open. I just don't have enough love deposit in the bank, because I haven't been on a date and so long, because if you have those little things wouldn't matter as much, I just probably correct it, because I will give you grace, because we're not perfect. So a lot of times, you don't get that grace in the benefit of the doubt a lot of times because they have not went on a date night, because they are frustrated. And it's a need that has not been met, which could be quality time, right? Could be a lot of gifts, it could be a lot of different things that we talked about the five love languages. So a lot of times I'm like, hold on for me, y'all just need to go on a date night. And this issue probably wouldn't even be an issue right now.

Tony Tolson: 26:26

I love that. Also put a link in the show notes for five love languages, because that's really, really important too. If you don't know your love language, you really need to know that in especially you need to know the love language of your spouse. Exactly, exactly. Chapman, yep, by Gary Chapman. And there's some tests online and those types of things. I'll try to find the best source for that. But it is so, so awesome that we've been able to have this conversation. But let's say we got a man or a couple out there. They're listening to this. And they're like, Okay, I'd love to have that marriage, that's fun. I'd love to be able to have some tools, but I just don't really know how to get there. Can you give some advice for that couple that man that's in a situation that just they don't know how to get out of where they're at? What are some tangible steps that they can make? If they're there? And then the second question would be, they're just their marriage is just okay, how could they spice it up? So we got two scenarios. One where the couple were the the man is listening today, we like ah, it's just sucks everyday. It sucks. I don't know what to do. And the other one is, my marriage is alright. I it's just alright. It's not great.

Nic Raines: 27:36

It's a great question. So the first one is if they're struggling in their marriage, right. So I think when you struggling, your marriage is really nice, it's not being met. So I'll say the practical thing to do is first write down about two or three needs that each one of you guys need. I did not say wants. That means that if you don't address these needs, they don't go away. And that means you could start seeking them out in other different areas, and sometimes other people, that's what we don't want. So write down about two or three needs that you both you guys need, and then come back to each other and discuss them. This is thing, these are things that I need and this marriage. So it's almost none negotiables. Right? So we got to come up with a way how can we meet these needs? Let's be realistic. How can I meet these needs? Right? Tom was like the love languages as the things we need to do. And then we need to make a plan. How are we going to meet these needs? Right? What could What do I have to do? What's my role in that need? Alright, what's your role in this need? I think that's a practical way to do that. How do we meet these needs in this marriage? Because most of the time again, if we get into conflict or things like that, it's a need. It's a void. That's not there, Matt. So when you have the marriage is actually doing okay. I just think you want to kind of forecast a little bit. So if you're doing okay, in your marriage, I will say sit down again, communication and sit down with your spouse and talk about some wishes, hopes and dreams. So we do it. Okay. But let's let's forecast a little bit later. So I always like to take couples back. You mean, when you first got married first start dating each other? They always smile most of the time. Let's just say they always smile because that euphoric, you know, that comes back right that yesterday's and it's come back and erase Oh, yeah. Remember those times? I say let's go back to that time right now. And now let's talk about what some dreams and hopes and wishes that you guys had right now that you have not done yet. Let's write those down. Okay, that's powerful. And let's come up with a plan and how we can reach those right now. Right? Because sometimes they get lost, like you said, raising kids and things of that nature, business, work, all that type of stuff. Family pulling you left and right. So let's write down wishes, hopes and dreams. And they start smiling and start forecasting the game. They get started, they see it, they can see themselves doing it together. So that's what a couple that's doing okay, but they want to make it to the next level wishes, hopes and dreams. That's

Tony Tolson: 29:42

awesome. There's a song by Dolly Parton of all people called rockin yours, okay. Here's the course. rocking chairs, rocking babies. Rockabye Rock of Ages, side by side we'll be together always. And if you'll hold me tight when you love me, that's all I'll ask of you. You and I'll stand by you through our rockin years. And I told Renee, when we first got married, my vision was to have us in rocking chairs on our front porch. It wasn't to raise just to raise children. Right? We raised seven, we could have totally lost ourselves in that. Oh, absolutely. But we had a vision that we wanted to be old together. And along the way we wanted to travel, we wanted to laugh, we wanted to enjoy our children. And at the end, we wanted to be in rocking chairs. She wanted to have a mint julep and I wanted to have an ice tea. And we were going to sit and rock through those rocking years, we were going to be able to look back. And the Bible says, without a vision, the people perish. Yes. When I think about marriages in this middle, this situation where there's just okay, they've quit focusing on the vision for their marriage. Yes. And that's what you're talking about with dreaming? Yes. It's like literally, would you ever join a company that had no vision or plan for their future? Right? No, which and you wouldn't, you wouldn't enjoy a marriage or a relationship that didn't have the same good guy, friends have plans that they're going to make and do together, we're gonna go fishing together, we're gonna go to the movies together, we're gonna do they have a plan, it may not be a long range plan, but there's something there, some commonality, some goals, some things they like to do, Mayor just have to have the same to be healthy. Absolutely. So I think those are very, very tangible things. So the first thing is, if you're having a bad time, write down two or three needs, talk about how to meet those needs. And if your marriage is just, okay, it's functional, you can live to your die, but you're not terribly excited about it, then you're missing something, you need to sit down and get those wishes and dreams out on paper. And we say paper, yes, write it down. It makes it tangible, write, write needs, don't feel physically tangible. Because their needs, you can't necessarily touch them. When there's somebody else's, and you can touch your own needs. They feel so real to use someone else's, it doesn't feel so real, right? So if your wife or your spouse sit down and write down what their needs are, and learn, it's not all about us.

Nic Raines: 32:11

It's not it's not and I one thing I was gonna say also is that about another quick, maybe quicker, like say things you don't have much time. And you really need to do some quick right? And try to write fiction, I would say repair some things a conflict is going on. It's also to talk about is that what's your love time? And when I say what's your love saying we think about tangible things right? When applying going back to that zero to 10. So if you say anything below eight, then that means I want you to give me something I can do right then to help your loved one become a 10. So we use that a lot, too. So what's your love saying? And they say, oh, medicine, okay, what can I do to help that seven become a 10. And whether that's washing dishes real quick, right? Whether it's washing a load of clothes, mowing the lawn, whatever, give a back rub, a back massage, and things like that, that has helped a lot in our marriage as well. Because a lot of times when we get in these frustrated places, right? We don't really want to talk. So we don't, we can't have a long conversation because they don't they don't feel like talking. Well, I can ask you, where's your love time? You can say I'm a real quick eight or seven or something like that, then I can say what can I do to make it a 10 quick conversation that requires action. You gotta be willing to do it, whatever they say it is. But that helps so much to get that person to that 10 What is the Washington's like you said, because right now I feel like right now I realize like you're getting an error you like something's not right between us. And you don't seem like you feel like talking about it. So I'm gonna just ask you real quick, where's your love tank? And then I can go into action. And she can go into action to kind of repair that right now. And that now, like you said, when you do those dishes, now she's like, I love you. Thank you for that. Right? That's another quick way to catch up. Okay, how can I help? What can I do to kind of change this rut? Or we're not communicating right now? Right? You seem a little frustrated, and I want to get back to having fun. That's another quick way to a plus

Tony Tolson: 34:05

as a great tool. That is a great tool. Because sometimes we do get places where we just can't talk. Yes, yeah. But my wife could always come up with a couple of things I could do to make her feel more loved. So that's awesome. Right. Right. Well, Nick, thank you for joining me today, man. If you have any thing you'd like to talk more about with Nick, I know Nick is always available. We'll put an email out there for Nick as well so he can respond to any of your questions. And I just thank you for joining us today on all the king's men. And we look forward to seeing you next time.

Podcast Outro: 34:39

Thank you for joining us today on all the king's men. Please share, subscribe and like the podcast anytime you can. Contact Pastor Tony email Tony at my rpt.org He would love to connect with you. On behalf of Pastor Tony and all of us at restoration place. Have a great week and we will see you next time.